


happy new year

by vmnesie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bottom Hwang Hyunjin, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Kinda?, Love at First Sight, M/M, Smut, THIS IS SO LONG, Text Messages, Top Lee Felix (Stray Kids), all the members are here too, blowjob, felix confident gay, felix is afraid, hyunjin is a Panicked Gay, jisung roasts felix, mentionned smut otherwise, minsung is a thing, seungmin roasts hyunjin, this is a new year's eve au?, this is so long omg bear w me, yup i just projected my traumas on their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28372902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmnesie/pseuds/vmnesie
Summary: felix didn’t really believe in this new year new me kind of thinking, even though he knew damn well nothing ever changes and if it ever did, it was rarely for the better. he’ll still go through his classes with the same exhaustion; he’ll still live in the same place with jisung; he’ll meet new people, and they’ll still leave, as always.but maybe this time, just this one time, he could be wrong?or felix meets hyunjin at a new year's eve party, and ever since, his life seems to go for the better. unless...
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Hyunlix - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	happy new year

**Author's Note:**

> hey!!!  
> omg i finally finished it!!! it took me so much time, i was beginning to lose faith in ever finishing it.  
> i didn't reread myself that much so if there are any mistakes, don't mind it, i'm tired lmao  
> hope you'll have fun reading it though!!

it was early in the afternoon when jisung woke felix up. he didn’t even need to know what time it was, but his body felt like it was too early to be up already. felix opened his eyes slowly, groaning in the process while jisung went to the kitchen of their small apartment, yelling something about being on time or maybe something else - felix would know if he hadn’t taken the habit of not listening when his roommate started blabbering.

felix sighed and he watched the date appear on his phone. today was the 31st of december. today was the last day of the year, and today was also one of the days he had been waiting all year long… just so that he could finally get rid of it and move away from it. felix didn’t really believe in this new year new me kind of thinking, even though he knew damn well nothing ever changes and if it ever did, it was rarely for the better. he’ll still go through his classes with the same exhaustion; he’ll still live in the same place with jisung; he’ll meet new people, and they’ll still leave, as always.

his best friend, chan, would always try to make him see the glass half full instead of half empty. yeah, his classes might be tiring, but once he’ll graduate, he would finally be able to find a job and do something he really likes. his place might be boring but at least, he met jisung here, and by extension, minho, jisung’s boyfriend who’ve become one of his best friends too. but about meeting new people, well… chan always teased him since he didn’t really come out of his room in the first place. you see, felix might be a social butterfly, he wasn’t really the life of the party. he’d rather meet his dream boyfriend in a little cat cafe near by.

chan would also laugh about the second part, them leaving, "well if you weren’t so straightforward…" and felix always thought it was stupid. he liked to show his true personality right away, just to indicate the person in front of him how it’s going to be: all or nothing. he was pretty confident in general, but he was just lazy when it came to building a relationship. he had to have _that_ _feeling_ or else, he wouldn’t even talk to the person in the first place.

however, felix’s friends cared about him, or rather, they had enough of him spending most of his time in his room revising for whatever class he decided to take this year, and that’s mostly one of the reasons why felix had to wake up and prepare himself for the night. chan decided to rent an apartment for the night, and invited a bunch of (more like _too many, according to felix_ ) persons. among them will be chan’s other close friends that felix had never seen. jisung helped chan plan it all, and they organised it so that eight persons will sleep there at the end of the party. felix clearly had no say in this decision and was just dragged by the two boys. they were supposed to go to the flat before 7 p.m to settle everything down, and it was already 4 p.m, so of course, jisung wouldn’t shut the fuck up about him waking up.

he quickly took a shower and ate something with his roommate before starting to get ready for tonight’s party. once they were both done, they left their apartment to go to the one where the party will take place tonight. chan and minho were already there, making jisung jump into his boyfriend’s arms while felix greated chan with a smile, both looking at the lovebirds. _that was to be expected_ , he thought to himself. minho quickly muttered a muffled ‘hi’ to felix before han kissed him again, and felix just nodded with a smile before coming in. once jisung was done with his love demonstrations, they started to prepare everything: the food, the music, and the drinks (which was the most important part according to chan).

once it was 9 p.m, a lot of persons were already here and felix couldn’t help but feel small, even though he wasn’t that tall to begin with. chan introduced him to some of the people that were there, but felix almost forgot all their names already, since he knew they weren’t close friends to chan. after thirty minutes, his best friend came back with three boys he had never seen before, and felix tried his best to memorise their faces while chan presented them.

"so, this is changbin! i’ve talked about him a lot, you remember? the guy i make music with-"

"yeah, i remember him chan." felix smiled teasingly. _how could he not_ _know him when chan kept on talking about it for weeks?_ about _him_ , to be more specific.

"okay, then there’s seungmin, jeongin and…" chan stopped and looked around quickly. "guys, where is hyunjin?"

"i thought he was following us." said the puppy like boy.

"let him be, he probably found a pretty boy to end the night with." the other joked, jeongin, if felix recalled him right.

"uhh yeah, except this isn’t going to happen. first off, because he can’t flirt with anyone without panicking, secondly because i rented this place just for the eight of us to sleep at the end of the night, and i swear i won’t tolerate hyunjin’s moans as one of the first things i’ll hear starting the new year." they all laughed at chan’s comment before han cut them, "what does he look like?"

"he’s pretty tall with blond hair-" felix didn’t need to hear more to know that the said guy was his exact type.

"is it him? over there?" when chan turned around, the said boy seemed to notice him again and come to them. if the guy was pretty just by his description, he was even more up close. how come chan had this good-looking friends and he never presented them to felix. _that’s homophobic_ , he would pout.

"i’m sorry, i got lost… there are so many people in here…"

"just say you were flirting with someone and shut up, hyunjin." seungmin laughs. hyunjin smiled while he looked at the group of boys around him, until his eyes met felix’s. suddenly, he seemed to freeze for a moment and felix grinned. _interesting_.

"it’s… not that" he quickly turns his head to seungmin. "you shut up." he mumbleed, embarrassed, and felix could swear he saw his cheeks redden.

"so hyunjin, since you missed it. this is jisung, all over him is his boyfriend, minho, if you hadn’t guessed yet,"he said gesturing their closeness with his hands, "and next to them, there is felix." they quickly smiled at one another, and felix felt like he couldn’t take his eyes off of hyunjin. the boy was mesmerising for some reasons. _so many reasons_ , he would later figure out. but for now, felix’s eyes would trail down the boy. he looked pure while he blushed a bit more, _so_ pure it filled felix with a new sensation. it made felix want to corrupt him. but now was _not_ the time to think of that, wasn’t it? he must not have been the only one to feel a certain tension build up since jeongin suddenly decided to leave with changbin and seungmin, to take a few drinks, he’d say, while chan found someone else to talk to. minho and jisung being long gone in multiple kisses on the sofa next to them, hyunjin and felix being alone, face to face. 

for a good minute that felt like a second, none of them dared to speak, afraid to break all the tension, until felix laughed softly, making hyunjin blush more than what he thought was possible and it made felix want to tease him so much.

"so, you’re felix, right?" he said hesitantly, eyes on his own fingers.

"you listen pretty well already… » he laughed a bit more when he saw hyunjin’s eyes widen. "i’m just messing with you. yeah, i’m felix. and you’re hyunjin." he smiled and hyunjin looked at the floor again. felix tilted his head to take a better look at the man sitting in front of him. _he truly was something else_.

"i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable. i was just teasing you, nothing too serious." but felix did think of how obedient hyunjin could be. to where it could lead them. his train of thoughts were cut whenever the blond man talked again.

"no, don’t worry!" he said in hurry. "it’s not you, it’s me who-"

"-is a panicked gay, yeah chan told us." hyunjin’s mouth dropped and felix couldn’t help but giggle. "okay, i’ll stop teasing you now." he stood up. "do you want me to bring you something to drink?"

hyunjin looked up to meet felix’s eyes and for a second, felix thought he could get used to that view. he quickly shook his head to chase the thought; _now’s not the time_. "no, thanks. i’ll… i’ll stay there for bit…" felix chuckled before nodding and leaving. he wasn’t giving up on the man; he was even pretty sure he’ll meet him later that night. or at least, he _will_ make it happen. maybe tonight was going to be a lot more interesting now that he knew about the other boy.

x

it was now 11:30 and the party was going strong. hyunjin could feel himself getting more tipsy each time he sipped on his drink. after felix left, he had to go to the bathroom to snap out of it. what the _fuck_ was that. felix felt surreal. the power and confidence he exuded were something out of this world, something hyunjin was pretty sure he couldn’t handle. when he got out, he found seungmin and jeongin again, and couldn’t help but word vomit everything that just happened. and hyunjin should have known they would use it as an excuse to mock him. in fact it was how it always went every single time hyunjin had a gay panic.

"so you’re telling me you’re already gone for him? and he hasn’t even fuck you yet."

"oh my god, shut up. who talked about fucking?"

"well… he clearly did and don’t even try to make me believe a whore like you didn’t catch that." seungmin said to his best friend. hyunjin pretended to be offended for a sec before laughing with them.

"of course i understood it. but like, how can someone be this hot? just how?" he said more to himself than his friends. "and did you see his lips? i got to kiss him. this is my duty as a gay. i was _born_ to kiss him." he emphasised.

"yeah and you also said that for you ex crush, remember?" jeongin said bored and hyunjin tsked while rolling his eyes.

"can’t you two stop bringing down the mood? i’m trying to get laid here."

suddenly, the music was cut, leading to everyone in the party to boo. the three boys turned their heads to see chan on a table.

"the new year starts in ten minutes!" he shouted. after his announcement, the music was back and everyone danced again.

"maybe, if you want to kiss him so bad, you could kiss him on the countdown?" seungmin suggested and hyunjin looked at him with excitation. "for once you deserve your best friend title!" and seungmin rolled his eyes, "you’re so annoying, i’m lowkey wishing he turns you down." hyunjin waved his hands at seungmin, dismissing his words while he looked around, searching for felix. "yeah, don’t worry i’ll go down on him."

"not what i said moron."

hyunjin wasn’t even listening anymore, too focused on every faces his eyes encountered. he quickly turned around to look at seungmin and jeongin one last time, "well i’ll just go… you know why huh. have a good kiss you two."

seungmin groaned but hyunjin was already leaving them to find felix.

_how the fuck could this apartment welcome this many persons?_ hyunjin had now been searching for felix for the last five minutes and the new year was three minutes away. at this point, the poor boy was just desperate. he asked chan if he saw him, and to say the least, he didn’t help in the slightest. he doesn’t know if it was the alcohol in his system, but it was so complicated to find someone he’s seen once, even though he was pretty sure his face was inked in his mind. he goes to the balcony, walk to the gates, drops his arms on it and when he’s met with the fresh december air, he lets out a sigh. he looks down at the city when he starts to hear people inside shout the words he feared: ’3, 2, 1! Happy new year!’ he mouthes silently too. the cold air helps him sober up, and he decides to stay here a bit longer, not ready yet to face the sad reality. he had not found felix. and he was not even with his friends right now. maybe the alcohol still had not left his body he figured when he felt the need to cry. he was about to when he heard the door of the balcony opens again, making him raise his head so quick he might have hurt his neck in the process.

"i heard you’ve been looking for me?" a deep voice said, and hyunjin shivered. he slowly turned around and met the boy he’s been searching for the last ten minutes. hyunjin was so into his thoughts that he didn’t even hear himself talk. "did you kiss someone already?"

felix was taken aback but his features softened while he started to smile. "not yet." hyunjin was still processing what he just had said out loud while the smaller boy approached him dangerously, now being a few inches away from hyunjin. "is that why you were looking for me? to kiss me?" hyunjin gulped and nodded his head timidly, making felix grin. "go on than pretty boy." hyunjin didn’t need more and grabbed the other boy’s face before kissing him. hyunjin tried to lead but even though felix appreciated his determination, what he appreciated the most was to be in control. he quickly framed the taller boy against the barrier while kissing him. he lifted one of his hands to reach hyunjin’s hair and started pulling some strands to have more access to his neck before trailing kisses down from his jaw to his neck. he licked it and tried to mark it but as soon as he did hyunjin moaned. felix took a step back to look into hyunjin’s eyes.

"sensitive there? i’ll take good notes of that." felix smiled and hyunjin joined him in a laugh, before putting his hands on felix’s chest to push him away.

"stop being so cocky, gosh, you make me want to punch you in the face."

"no, you don’t." felix raised one eyebrow, acting even more full of himself that hyunjin had to groan. "you’re the one who wanted to kiss me so bad, remember?"

"yeah, and i’m starting to think it was a mistake."

"want me to help you change your mind?" hyunjin looked at felix’s lips so intently that the other boy started to lean to kiss him again, but they were interrupted by chan.

"oh, so that’s where you’ve been…"

"yeah and you’re kinda interrupting something right now."

"my bad, i’ll leave." he said before closing the door. then, he reopened it "just don’t fuck here okay?"

"oh my, just go." felix sighed, finally putting himself next to hyunjin, allowing the boy to take a breathe, something he didn’t even know he needed.

chan opened the door again, and the two boys were rolling their eyes. "happy new year by the way!" he laughed, and left before the couple even got a chance to respond.

they looked at each other before laughing too. "happy new year. » they said at the same time and laughed again. when it died down, hyunjin started to move to go to the door, "we should get back inside, you know… don’t want you to catch a cold?" he said looking at felix, who was coatless. felix walked past him with a smirk, "yeah, you’re right, if i did i won’t be able to kiss you again." he laughed while going in, and hyunjin stayed dumbfounded in front of the door, unable to knock his own smile down.

x

it was now 2 a.m, and the party was still going strong. after the whole balcony scene that made hyunjin feel like he was the main character of his own life, he went directly to the bar, feeling way too sober for this. he wanted more of felix. more, more and more.

therefore, he decided to drink a little bit more than he could before crashing on the sofa, next to seungmin again, after what felt like an eternity.

"so how did it went?" the boy said, slouched and eyes closing after seeing hyunjin sitting next to him. "why aren’t you still with him right now? don’t tell me you didn’t find him? don’t tell me you did find him but that you’re such a bad kisser he left you?"

"don’t you... ever shut up?" hyunjin stuttered, now feeling the drink kicking, making his best friend laugh.

"you should know already that i don’t. so how did it go?" and so hyunjin started to tell everything that happened to seungmin.

"and then, i went to kiss him-"

"excuse me, but i’m pretty sure i kissed you."

seungmin opened his eyes quickly after hearing another voice talking, and hyunjin say there, mouth opened, not knowing how to act, not what to say, so he did the best he could at the moment, meaning taking another sip from his drink.

"oh hey felix." seungmin said before closing his eyes again. "i figured hyunjin was lying, it doesn’t sound like him to be the dominant type."

"oh yeah?" felix said, still locking his eyes within hyunjin’s.

"i did not lie! i went to kiss you first!" he said, but the end of the words seemed trapped in the back of his throat.

"still, i’m pretty sure felix led the dance. didn’t he?"

hyunjin shrinks on himself, seeming uncomfortable before admitting it. he felt his cheek heaten up, and even though the alcohol was making its effect, he knew that this was the result of the boy standing in front of me staring at him. felix answered, "indeed, i did lead the dance."

they gazed intently at one another for a moment, completely forgetting that seungmin was right beside them, yet the boy must have felt a tension again, since he suddenly opened his eyes before looking at them and saying "you both disgust me so much. go find yourself a room seriously."

felix grinned but hyunjin was feeling the fallouts of alcohol, he became a little quieter, not even daring to look at felix. he was impressive. was it like that all the time? hyunjin wanted to see more. _more, more and more_. before he could even process his train of thoughts, felix took his drink out of his hand and made him stand up.

"where are we going?"

"putting you to bed grandpa, you’ve drank enough for the night." he said, while putting his hand on his waist and carried him to the closest bedroom.

x

felix opened the door of one of the bedrooms, and hyunjin’s drunk self struggled to hide his disappointment when he realised that there wasn’t one bed but two. two beds that can’t even be put aside since they were bunk beds. but then, he felt felix’s hand on his waist again while he dragged him to the bottom bed and sat him down, and suddenly his head felt lighter. maybe, the alcohol was still making its effect, even though he’d hate to admit it. he looked at felix’s lips while trying to put his hand on felix’s cheek which made felix stop whatever he was doing too, before looking directly into the other boy’s eyes. hyunjin gulped, sure that felix could read him like an open book.

"what?" he smirked.

"nothing, i… i really want to kiss you again…" felix laughed at the statement. "so much for a boy who can’t walk by himself, huh?" he teased and hyunjin pouted. felix crouched to undo hyunjin’s shoelaces, and get him more comfortable. "so, you don’t want to kiss me?" hyunjin said again when felix did nothing more. "i’m not into kissing drunk persons, love."

"and if i told you that i’m not drunk?" felix looked up, with a knowing stare, but still lighthearted, not taking this conversation too seriously. « then, you would lie to me right up to my face?" he said getting up and closer to him. they were a few inches away, hyunjin too slow to even realise their proximity, nor felix’s hands on his thighs, which helped him stay steady. too slow, he had realised only when he felt cold once felix tsked while shaking his head, as if to remove his smile, and moved away.

"anyways, top or bottom?"

"woah wait…" the taller boy’s eyes widen. so he refused kissing him, just for him to ask his position during sex now? what was this man? plus, it was clear that hyunjin was a bot- but he didn’t have to know that, he thought. "i think the real question is if i’d like you to be on your back or on you knees-" he said after a while, only to be cut by felix’s laughter. "i was talking about the bunk beds. you’re still a bit drunk hyunjin. i told you i was not into kissing drunk persons, and i am not into having sex with them neither." hyunjin’s lips parted while he continued. "so now, in which bed do you wanna sleep?"

"huh… yours?" he said dumbfounded for the second time of the night, which made felix cackle and shake his head. "okay pretty boy, but just for this time."

hyunjin smiled while taking off his trousers, and felix imitated him before getting to bed with him. hyunjin was glad that felix was rather small, this way they could both fit the narrow space provided by the bunk bed. felix placed himself between hyunjin’s arms and though he would not admit out loud, he felt weirdly comfortable in his embrace.

"are you implying there will be other times?" hyunjin said after a few minutes.

"hum?" felix’s head rose to look at him in the dark.

"you said you were letting go for _this_ time. are you implying there will be other times?" he repeated.

"well, maybe, if you’re not drunk. and just so you know… i’d be the one asking you to be on your knees." hyunjin was thankful for the darkness of the room right now, or else felix would have seen the crimson colour blooming on his cheeks and ears. he was also thankful for felix not being too close to him right now, or else he would have been able to feel his growing bulge. "anyways, you should sleep now hyunjin."

"uh, yeah, of course." he said embarrassed, as if felix could hear this thoughts. "good night." he said before closing his eyes, and felix did the same shortly after, even though he couldn’t stop thinking about how hyunjin’s warmth felt nice.

x

the next morning, hyunjin woke up alone, feeling cold but also feeling a headache that was finally sinking in. he should have drunk more water, he thought. he got up and put his trousers back before leaving the room and going to the kitchen where seungmin, jeongin and felix were. it was only once he realised that felix was there that he remembered he slept in the same bed as him. he rapidly tried to remember everything that happened last night and if they ended up having sex or not.

"oh, hyunjin you’re up?" he heard seungmin say, all the heads turning to where he was hiding. hyunjin smiled, seemingly embarrassed before joining them to the table they were at, and letting himself fall on one of the unoccupied chairs. "hey" they treated him and continued talking about whatever they were discussing before they discovered hyunjin. he mentally sighed and tried to listen to what they were saying, not wanting to make it about him. but his thoughts quickly wandered somewhere else, he stayed silent, not wanting felix to notice him that much and be reminded the mess he was last night. but maybe, if he’s lucky, felix forgot about what hyunjin told him, and maybe he was just as drunk but it was easier for him to appear and act sober. his thoughts were cut when he heard the three boys laugh.

"he did not?" seungmin screamed.

"i swear he did! i’d never thought chan would have the courage to kiss him but he did!" jeongin added.

"kissed who?" asked hyunjin, completely lost since he was too busy thinking of felix, last night.

"changbin!" jeongin replied, still excited by the news.

"finally," felix started "i was done with him talking about changbin without even trying something with him." and the other boys laughed. "anyways, i got to go." he got up. "it was a pleasure meeting you." he said to everyone, but his eyes were stuck on hyunjin. he wouldn’t even notice, too embarrassed to look at him back, so he focused on his fingers. seungmin and jeongin told him bye, and just when he left the room, hyunjin could feel his arm get hit by seungmin. "do you have his number?"

"no, why would i have it?"

"shut up, stop acting like you don’t care. was he that bad for you not to ask for his number?" hyunjin let out a huff. "how would i know? i was apparently too drunk for him to do something with me." jeongin laughed loudly and hyunjin looked at him seriously, making him stop right away.

"well, it’s a good thing. but now, why don’t you have his number?"

"i couldn’t ask him! you were here and-" they heard a noise and all turned their head to where it was coming from, only to be met with a grinning felix, "i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to interrupt this interesting conversation of yours." if hyunjin could get any smaller, he would. if he didn’t dare to look at felix before, he now decided that he would never face him again in his entire life. but still, he felt felix come closer to them, and the laughters of his best friends behind him made him want to disappear. "oh, don’t worry! you forgot something?" seungmin asked. felix nodded before putting his fingers underneath hyunjin’s chin, lifting his head up so that their eyes could finally meet. "i forgot to ask for his number, yeah." he said looking at seungmin before gazing down at hyunjin again. "you know for the implied other times you asked me." hyunjin’s cheeks redden more than he would have liked to, and he nodded when felix gave him his phone for him to put his contact in it. "well, i think i got it all now." he said, looking at his phone. "see you soon." he said, but everyone in the room knew that it was directed at hyunjin. once he finally left, hyunjin turned back to seungmin and jeongin who were already mocking him, making him groan and hide his head in his hands.

"that was…" seungmin started.

"shut up." hyunjin said. "let’s forget any of this ever happened." the two boys laughed again, and hyunjin was sure they would never let him live that down.

x

turned out, it was hard for felix to send a message. even more if it was to talk to hyunjin. it was now the 7th of january, and he still had not sent anything. maybe he had been too much? what if hyunjin decided to never answer or talk to him again after that day? what if hyunjin thought he was the biggest jerk ever? felix would rather die alone than to get rejected by someone, especially if that someone was hyunjin. he groaned and threw his phone on the sofa before letting himself fall on it not long after.

"someone is having a hard day?" jisung said, eating ramen next to him. "yes." he said, but the sound was muffled by the cushion. he turned around, now laying on his back and holding a pillow on his stomach with his phone on it. "how do you talk to someone by text messages?" jisung raised a brow so felix continued. "like how do you send a message to someone you’ve barely talked to before?"

he laughed before explaining "well, you click on their contact, then you type a message and you-" he was cut by the pillow thrown by felix. "hey! my ramen!"

"yeah, yeah sorry." he waved quickly. "but i know how to send a message, dumbass. but like what do you say in it?" he groaned.

"it depends who it is for." jisung waved his brows while felix rolled his eyes. "it’s for hyunjin."

"hyunjin? like the guy you didn’t even fuck?"

"oh my gosh…you make me want to throw another pillow in your ugly face or what." and jisung laughed while putting one hand in front of him, as if it would actually protect him. "but yeah, him."

"i didn’t think it was that serious?"

"i didn’t think too… but there was something about him… i don’t think i could explain even if i wanted to?" he said, his mind wandering. "anyways, how do i talk to him?"

"i can’t believe you’re actually trying to have a relationship with someone right now." his roommate joked, faking his tears, "i raised you so well baby."

"you know i still got that pillow, huh?" felix threatened jokingly. "and i didn’t talk about a relationship, i just want to… send him a message for now and that would have been done by now if you weren’t so nosy and would have helped me right when i asked you to."

"well, maybe say ‘hi, this is felix’?" felix looked at him, before answering, "someone tell me why did i ask you again?"

"i don’t know man, i think you’re in love with me, it’s embarrassing." jisung tried to kiss felix but he rejected him. "you wish." he paused. "how did you even get with minho?"

"duh, look at me." he said as if it was obvious, while felix stayed silent. "you know what, fuck off man." jisung laughed before getting up to wash his finished bowl of ramen. "just send something simple, so that he knows it’s you and not some weirdo. then, the discussion will go easily if you stop acting like a panicked gay."

"yeah, i might do that. it’s his role anyway." felix laughed and jisung did too, while felix got up and took his phone again. "thank you, even though you weren’t that helpful."

"my pleasure." he answered, sticking his tongue out, making it the last thing felix saw before he got back to his bedroom.

‘send something simple,’ jisung’s words rang in his head. and so, he typed.

**felix**

hey, this is felix

is this hyunjin’s number?

felix thought it was ridiculous how so little made him so worried. what if he forgot about him? _this would be embarrassing_. _how do you delete a message again? what do you mean it doesn’t work like that._ his train of thoughts was cut when his phone rang. he quickly looked at it, maybe _too_ quickly.

**stupid roommate**

i’m sure you thought it was him

have you sent a message yet?

i hope so, or else i’d look dumb

**felix**

you always look dumb

he replied before locking his phone and deciding to go to bed. his anxiety was getting the best of him, and he thought it would be better to wake up to a text from hyunjin. he _wished_ he would wake up to a text from hyunjin. he shook his head rapidly before closing his eyes. _why was he even hoping for a text?_ he resonated. _it’s not that important anyways,_ he last cogitated, falling asleep soon after.

x

well, he was right to not expect anything. the day after, hyunjin still hadn’t responded. nor the next day. but on the 10th, he received a message from someone he didn’t know, and he hated how his heart began to beat faster.

**XX-XXX-XX**

hey, is this still felix?

**felix**

depends on who’s asking?

nice, felix. such a welcoming text for someone who’s scared to be rejected.

**XX-XXX-XX**

umh, it’s hyunjin

from the new year’s party

**XX-XXX-XX was changed to hyunjin.**

**felix**

well, it’s not felix.

**hyunjin**

shut up you liar

you know that i can still see your previous text, right?

**felix**

well, you said ‘still’ so i could have changed numbers

especially within the time you took to answer

**hyunjin**

okay, this is def felix

**felix**

tf does that mean?

**hyunjin**

idk, sounds like something u would say

but since this is a trial

i’m sorry i didn’t respond earlier

i was

**felix**

panicking, yeah i know already

**hyunjin**

panicking

HDGSZHAJSDH

okay but stop stealing my lines

**felix**

i’ll stop when u get more creative

:p

**hyunjin**

do u want me to ghost u some more or what?

visibly, felix took too much time to think of a clap back that hyunjin already sent a message again.

hey, i’m the one who’s supposed to ghost u

not the other way around

!!!!

felix hated himself for smiling that much already. _these weren’t much, right?_

**felix**

otherwise what?

**hyunjin**

man don’t >< talk to me ^^ like that :*

**felix**

otherwise what?

**hyunjin**

okay, i’m gone

**felix**

hey no, that’s unfair

hey no, that’s unf| 

hey no, that| 

hey n| 

and why would i care?

**hyunjin**

ik you do, or you wouldn’t have sent a text in the first place

even tho u took ur time damn

do i mean nothing to u :’(

**felix**

i did take my time but

you took time too,,,, so your reproach isn’t valid

**hyunjin**

the fact that you didn’t answer the first text, omg was i right

my power

I TOLD U I WAS HAVING A GAY PANIC

WAIT

W A I T

IS THAT WHY U TOOK THAT MUCH TIME WITH SENDING THE FIRST TEXT GSJDHBZJI

EJSIKCNISOQM

**felix**

. . .

i’m not even responding to that non-sense

**hyunjin**

right ;)

ur secret is safe with me

**felix**

is it tho? aren’t u the same person who talked about me literally a minUTE after i said i was leaving??

**hyunjin**

okay, so your secret is safe with me, seungmin and jeongin

felix laughed at his phone and was about to respond when he got a text from chan.

**chan**

i’m throwing a party next weekend, u in?

at my place

**felix**

don’t u ever get tired?

depends, who’s coming?

**chan**

nope

just sum friends :D

**hyunjin**

are u going to chan’s party?

**felix**

are you?

**hyunjin**

will go if u do

and this time i’m not drinking

**felix**

is this bad sexting?

**hyunjin**

DON’T SAY IT LIKE THAT YDJHSABHSQJ

**felix to chan**

okay, m comin!

**felix to hyunjin**

i could, but it’s funnier to see u panic

anyways, see u there :3

**hyunjin**

gladly :3

maybe, he didn’t hate that feeling he had when hyunjin texted him as much as he wished. _for now._

x

and so, he went to chan’s party. he went with jisung. jisung who kept on reminding him that he’ll have the place to himself tonight, since he’ll sleep at minho’s.jisung who kept talking to hyunjin, suddenly becoming his best friend. jisung who also couldn’t stop talking about hyunjin to felix. jisung whom felix wanted to punch. so it was only normal that as soon as he crossed the porch of chan’s flat, he directly went to the kitchen to make himself something to drink. just because. don’t get him wrong, he loved jisung, it’s just that ever since he talked to him about hyunjin, jisung kept on teasing him. every time felix’s phone made a sound, jisung would talk about hyunjin, and even though it would be a lie to say it wasn’t one of his texts, felix just couldn’t deal with him anymore. ("what did i ever do to you?" felix would say, to which jisung would answer "you live, and that’s enough."). anyways, felix was grateful for minho, him being the only one who could shut jisung up. he was grateful for him, except when he did alliances with his boyfriend against him. that, or when he would moan jisung’s name to loudly in their dorm during whatever time it is. so in fact, what he was mostly grateful for right now, was this party. that way, he got rid of his roommate’s annoying comments and his boyfriend. seeing hyunjin was only secondary (or at least, he tried to believe that.)

after taking his drink, he decided to go back to the living room and searched for anyone he knew through the crowd, just to have his eyes settle on the host of the party, who apparently noticed him at the same time and smiled at him.

"hey! you came!"

"i told you i would come."

"yeah but usually, you would have made up an excuse jus before the party so that you could avoid it." chan laughed, bringing a smile on felix’s face. "okay but that was one time. i’m sorry, ‘kay?"

"yeah, don’t worry."

"so how is it with changbin?" he asked teasingly, and chan blushed. "we’re taking it slow, but it’s actually nice to have someone. and you, with hyunjin? what happened after i caught you two?"

"well, nothing much. he was too drunk when i saw him later that night. but then, i asked for his number and-"

"wait, wait! let me guess! you waited a bit before sending a message…" he stopped and watched felix with a smile.

"uhh, yeah? what’s your point? why are you looking at me like this?"

"nothing, just watching my best friend turning into a pussy." felix scoffed and chan talked again, "what were you afraid of this time?"

"first off, yes i did but we kept talking after that. and secondly, please, stop acting like i’m the one who overthinks the most between us."

"i’m glad you did." he smiled genuinely before continuing, "i do overthink the most, but that doesn’t mean you don’t." he paused. "is it because you’re scared of dating again?" he said gently.

"it’s just… i don’t know? where this could lead? where do i want this to go? and i hate myself for thinking about it right before it even started."

"it’s okay. you know it took me a lot of time to actually do something with changbin for the same reason. but sometimes, you should just try to go with the flow. if it feels right, then let it feel right? you deserve to be happy too."

"since when this turned into a counselling session?" felix tried to laugh it off but he knew it would take more for chan to actually let go.

"trust me, it’ll be alright. try to apply this new state of mind as one of your new year resolutions?"

"you know i don’t do that…" he turned his head to the door, before talking again. "however, let’s talk about you. i’m glad you found someone like changbin. you seem really happy."

"well, i am. plus, sex is amazing, so that’s a win." they both laughed at that.

"i’m happy for you, i truly am. you deserve that."

"talking of which, here he is." felix followed chan’s stare, just to see changbin coming to them. but before he could come to them, he was stopped by seungmin, and the person that’s been going through felix’s mind more than he would like to admit. they seemed to talk a bit before changbin pointed to chan and felix, seungmin and hyunjin turning their head to see them as well.

"wait, is he coming with them? oh gosh, i got to run." felix tried to flee but was clawed by chan’s hands. "you stay there. he’s not going to eat you." he murmured. "well, that’s-" , "hey!" they both said in harmony.

"hey." changbin said before approaching and kissing chan, finally letting go of felix, while seungmin and hyunjin smiled and waved.

felix couldn’t stop watching hyunjin. _how could someone be so pretty?_ he must have been obvious in his staring, since chan clapped in his hands before saying "maybe we should leave, huh?" changbin agreeing with him, they passed behind him, chan whispering a quick ‘good luck’ in felix’s ear.

"wait, you’re not going to leave me with them? hey! wait up!" said seungmin, also leaving. felix laughed while watching him, and it was only when he looked back at hyunjin that he realised that maybe, he wasn’t the only one thinking that the other was hot. this boosted his ego and helped him talk again.

"you look pretty tonight."

hyunjin couldn’t stop his cheeks from reddening, he was definitely not expecting that. "thank you. you don’t look that bad yourself."

felix faked being offended, "so this is what i get? i might just leave too."

"hey, no!" he laughed loudly, taking felix’s hand in the process, as if to prevent him to leave, but _oh, felix was going nowhere_. he looked down at their hands, then up again, to see hyunjin’s reaction, and for once, he seemed amused. "have you drank something?"

"oh my gosh, do i look like an alcoholic to you? it was literally one time!" he laughed, and so did felix.

"well, it was just to know if i could kiss you properly this time?" hyunjin blushed but walked closer.

"is this a request?" he teased and felix rolled his eyes. "see, you just missed your kiss with that." and hyunjin laughed louder, before coming closer, clearly entering felix’s personal space now. "i don’t think i did." he said before touching felix’s chin and looking right into his eyes. felix closed the space between them by linking their lips together. the kiss was soft to begin with, but then hyunjin bit felix’s bottom lip just so that his tongue could dance with his. felix put his hands on hyunjin’s nape, his fingers playing with the back of his hair, and he swore he could feel hyunjin unravel beneath his touch. he decided to pull a strand just to see his reaction, and the gasp that escaped hyunjin’s mouth was not disappointing.

"someone’s eager today?" he teased.

"well, if you fucked me last time, maybe i wouldn’t be that much, huh?"

"excuse me for taking care of your drunk ass, i won’t do that anymore." deep down, he wanted to help hyunjin no matter why he would need him for in the future.

"well for now, just take care of me, will you?"

felix smiled, "with pleasure." he then proceeded to put his hand on his waist before leading him to the bathroom, knowing that chan’s room was probably already occupied for the moment.

they kissed again after the bathroom door was locked just behind hyunjin, felix pushing him against it to keep him steady. the more they did, the more it got passionate and sloppy. hyunjin’s hands went through felix’s hair, unable to stay in place. he needed felix, and he needed him _right now_. unfortunately, he knew they couldn’t fuck on chan’s bathroom’s sink, or else it’d be the last time they were invited. hyunjin couldn’t even think of something else when he felt felix’s right hand go down on his waist, his other one making its way underneath his shirt, finding his nipple and gently playing with it, urging hyunjin to moan.

"you really are sensitive everywhere, huh?" felix said teasingly, hyunjin shivering below him, pushing his hips against felix’s.

"shut up." he whined.

"how about you make me?" hyunjin didn’t need nothing else before pulling felix in again and kissing him intently.

"well, i might just do that." hyunjin said before switching their place, and going down on him while maintaining eye contact. felix was taken aback, but a grin still found its way on his face by the view he had before him. _yeah, he could definitely get used to that_.

before he could even say something, hyunjin’s hands were already undoing his belt and pushing down his pants, leaving him with only his boxers and shirt on. they continued their path, palming at felix’s cock through the clothing, which made felix’s lips part, a sigh of relief leaving them. but felix needed more. and hyunjin seemed to understand. well, it was sure he understood when he decided to free felix’s girth and he started to lazily play with it, teasing felix with a warm smile.

"how does it feel when i touch you?" he said before giving a small lick to the top of his dick. felix breathed again while putting his hand in hyunjin’s hair.

"good. but if you don’t hurry up, i swear i’ll-" he was stopped by the warmth of hyunjin’s mouth enveloping him, making him groan and push his cock deeper in it, hyunjin nearly choking.

"i’m sorry! i should’ve been more careful-" he was cut again by the devilish grin that hyunjin sent his way before sucking his dick harder, deep-throating him. felix couldn’t help but tug his hair to pull him closer. the wet sounds coming out of his mouth and the sight of his abused lips made felix go crazy. he wanted more, more and more.

he didn’t expect hyunjin to be this good, but when he started to play with his balls at the same, he knew he wouldn’t last long. after a few other minutes that felt like hours as much as they felt like seconds, felix found it in him to talk again."hyunjin, i’m about to come."

the other let him leave his mouth with a loud pop before replying, "come on me."

"what?" felix said astonished. _oh boy, hyunjin was all he could ever ask for_.

"you heard me right." he said, stroking him a few times more before showing his tongue fully, and staring at felix right in his eyes. "i want you to sully me _felix_."

with that he came on hyunjin’s face, groaning at his every touch and sounds. the way his name rolled on his tongue just felt so right, and so did his cum. felix dipped his fingers in the spurt that landed on his cheek, before pushing them into hyunjin’s mouth for him to clean it up.

"you’re so good. so, so good baby." hyunjin hummed at the praise, felix’s fingers vibrating in his mouth, the feeling going through his whole body. he helped the boy get up and kissed him again, tasting himself on the tip of his tongue before helping him clean his face up, making sure he was okay, even though his lips wouldn’t fool anyone. and felix smiled at that. _good_. they looked at each other through the mirror, felix being next to him, he glanced at the boy’s body only to notice that he wasn’t hard anymore. but then, he understood.

"did you come just by sucking me?" he said surprised, yet teasing. hyunjin’s cheeks reddened suddenly and he looked down.

"it’s okay baby. next time, i’ll treat you well." he said, kissing his nape. hyunjin lifted his head up, a smirk creeping up on his face.

"so now, you’re the one asking for another time, huh?" he replied playfully.

felix sighed, faking his annoyance, "do you ever shut up?"

"well, make me." hyunjin said, winking before chuckling, soon joined by felix, but they were cut by someone knocking on the door.

"hyunjin? are you there?"

the two boys looked at each other with wide eyes when they heard changbin’s voice.

"yes?" he responded, even though it sounded more like a question than a statement. still, he opened the door, meeting a desperate changbin with his arms around seungmin. changbin’s eyes widened a bit when he noticed that felix was also there, but he quickly turned his gaze away, addressing it to hyunjin.

"well, uh, i’m sorry to interrupt something? but seungmin isn’t feeling well, and jeongin isn’t there to take care of him..."

hyunjin seemed to understand since he walked to them and took seungmin into his arms instead, helping him to stay still. changbin quickly said thank you before leaving them, and all felix could do was watch at hyunjin. even like that, he looked surreal. the whole situation felt surreal. was he really the guy who just sucked his d-

"mmh, so... i have to go." hyunjin stated loudly, since the music now made it hard for them to hear each other, bringing felix back to reality.

"oh hum, yeah. figures haha." _the fuck?_ _why was he so awkward right now?_

"yeah... i guess i’ll see you around?"

"yeah, probably." felix said, his mind away. there was something wrong with him, and he couldn’t quite understand what yet. hyunjin simply said ‘bye’ before leaving felix dumbfounded in this stupid bathroom.

when he came back to his senses, he got out of it and went to the living room where the party was still going strong. he looked up at his phone and decided it was time for him to go home when he saw that it was already three in the morning. something _felt_ wrong and he couldn’t name it yet.

he quickly found chan to tell him he was going, and then he just left, his mind being somewhere else, yet still overwhelmingly present. maybe he just needed a good night of sleep on all of this to figure it out?

x

well, it didn’t help. and somehow, felix felt down in his guts that it would take more than one night to wash his thoughts away. he thought he needed time for himself, and to focus on… whatever was going on with him. maybe, he didn’t need a night, but a week. a week that could be turned into two. two weeks where he deliberately avoided hyunjin. whether it was by texts, dms, or whatever. he knew the boy had not done anything wrong, _far away from it_. hyunjin felt like a dream to him. like something too good to be true. something too good for him.

maybe, deep down, he _knew_ what was going on. he clearly started to get attached to hyunjin. more than he would liked to say. more than he would have liked at all. there was a particular reason why he wasn’t dating anyone, it being that he was fucked up inside. or so he thought. so many times. _what was wrong with him? why couldn’t he answer hyunjin’s texts normally?_ without it being awkward _._ without him being cold. why couldn’t he get him _out of his head_ , despite that? why couldn’t he just be normal?

sleepless nights when he had countless thoughts, trying to figure out the situation he was in. it had been nearly two years since he had not dated anyone. sure, the breakup was not the nicest part but it was fine. they both agreed that they needed more time for themselves, and even though it hurt, it went alright. but within time, felix started to understand why he didn’t date anyone else. he got scared of it. he loved talking to people, learning everything about someone but when he was alone at night, his creeping fear came back twice harder. cause he knew. he knew that about people. they would _always_ leave. so why get attached in the first place? even though, he didn’t expect it with hyunjin, he was never against the idea. and yet again, felix didn’t know much about him. it just felt right. it just felt like he could tell him his deepest secrets, or anything that was going on in his mind, and that hyunjin would never judge him.

but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. he’d rather run away before it even started. maybe chan was wrong about him being too face forward, because right now, he was the one who was cowering and he couldn’t bring himself to ‘just go with flow’ as he told him. maybe it was for the better to stop everything, right there. this way, he wouldn’t be hurt. and he could save hyunjin from the mess that he was at the same time. but still, he remembered hyunjin’s lips on his, the way he looked at him or the way he got easily flustered. he remembered the mole beneath his eyes, and the habit he had of always touching his hair. how did he memorise all that already? when did he allow himself to do that?

and did hyunjin do the same for him?

besides his existential crisis, he didn’t know how the other boy felt towards him. sure, they had a feeling, a real chemistry but that could have been purely physical. maybe hyunjin didn’t care that much about him. maybe, he was already talking to someone else? maybe he didn’t think felix was worth the shot. and honestly, _he couldn’t blame him._ he hated himself so much, it was impossible to understand how some bore with him. so before even worrying about hyunjin and him dating, he should be scared of being rejected in the first place. but once again, that wouldn’t happen, since he was acting like a fucking _pussy_ , ignoring or being cold to hyunjin. it could have been so easy to just erase everything he was feeling, but he simply couldn’t. he wasn’t even sure of what he wanted, and everything was just confusing him right now. so of course, that text didn’t miss.

**hyunjin**

hey, you okay?

and here he was. worrying for him after he ghosted him. if felix didn’t feel shitty before, he definitely did now. he was so scared of others hurting his feelings that he was hurting them before they even could. even though hyunjin never said that, he knew it would happen at some point. why couldn’t he just be normal?

what did hyunjin want to do with him? did he think about him the way felix did about him?

here he was _again_ , overthinking about something they never even talked about. he hated himself, and how easy it was for him to catch feelings. especially when he had made himself seem so disinterested every time they talked. _why couldn’t he just be normal?_

**hyunjin**

jisung told me you weren’t going out lately…

did something happen?

of course. of course, he would ask jisung how he was. and maybe, why he ignored him. he couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering. what was jisung thinking about him now? even though he was his roommate, he still coud think he was a dick for treating hyunjin that way for no apparent reason. oh my, what did seungmin thought of him? and jeongin? and the rest of the group? they probably all knew and hated him already.

it was so easy for him to hurt others. it was so easy for him to hurt them, so that they wouldn’t hurt himself. so that he wouldn’t hurt himself.

**hyunjin**

listen, i’m worried about you

i’m sorry if this overwhelming you rn but

and here it was. he knew what was coming next, and he hated it the most.

**hyunjin**

did i do something wrong?

the guilt sinking in, so deep it felt like he was drowning himself. _no, you didn’t. you never did and i’m sorry i’m making you go through this._

**felix**

hey

no

why would you say that?

**hyunjin**

well… you’ve been ignoring me for the past two weeks…

and i’d understand if i did something wrong, and i’ll apologise

but i just need to know what it is?

and if it isn’t about me and i’m taking this all wrong

let me know too

how can i help you?

_well, there isn’t anything you could do for that._

**felix**

i’m fine

i just need time to think

of things

**hyunjin**

you know that i’m here for you?

_did he? he wished he knew, he wished he could see, he wished he could believe him. they wouldn’t be there now._

**hyunjin**

i won’t just leave when things get complicated

**felix**

yeah you say that now, but later? what will happen when you’ll realise i’m just not enough

yeah you say that now, but later? what will happen when you’ll realise i’|

yeah you say that now, but later? what will happe|

yeah you say that now, but la|

yeah you sa|

ye|

maybe you should

**hyunjin**

so what am i supposed to do?

_there’s nothing that could be done, really._ he didn’t respond to his message.

**hyunjin**

do you want me to give up?

_no. don’t leave already. we still got plenty of other times we need to experience together._

**felix**

i don’t know

i don’t k|

i do|

don’t worry about me

i’m fine

sorry

after that, hyunjin sent a couple of other texts, which remained unseen by felix. that way, he would avoid hurting him more than he was already doing. that way, he wouldn’t hurt more when hyunjin will finally realise how worthless felix really was. that way… that way was for the best. or so he tried to convince himself, unable to chase the boy from his thoughts.

x

after three weeks, jisung seemed to have enough of felix’s bullshit.

"felix? you there?" he knocked at his bedroom door, and felix just turned around in his bed. "you know i can hear you, right? i’m coming inside."

"hey, no!" felix turned himself to the door, meeting jisung for what felt like the first time in forever.

"wow, you look awful."

"nice to see you too, jisung." felix gritted his teeth.

"okay, i’m sorry. but look i’m worried for you. are you alright? i barely saw you these last few weeks, you always had something to do in your room, revising something or what. but hyunjin told me that you didn’t-"

"why do you always have to bring him up? hyunjin this, hyunjin that? don’t you have a fucking life of your own?"

jisung’s eyes widened, visibly not prepared to be attacked like that, just for the surprise to be replaced by hurt. "i’m sorry." felix whispered. "i shouldn’t have said that."

"it’s okay, i know you didn’t mean it that way." he tried to smile. "you’re clearly not doing great now, and i’m sorry i didn’t come to talk to you earlier. i just thought that hyun-" he cut himself once he noticed he was about to talk about him again. felix sighed, "it’s okay, just say it."

"i just thought that hyunjin would have talked you through it and that it would be good enough. he told me he was going to… did he not send a message?"

"he did." he paused. "but he isn’t a felix fixer or whatever. he’s not the one who should make all the work that has to be done on myself. i should be that person." he stopped again. "i don’t know why he would care anyway." and jisung laughed, but it was clear that he wasn’t mocking him. "why would he care? is that what you’re thinking?"

felix didn’t understand what he was trying to say. "well, it’s not as if i were that important to him or anything." now jisung was frowning. "what?"

"did you actually talk to him?"

"it doesn’t matter, i don’t need him to tell me how i suck right in my face."

jisung was stunned, "but why would he say that?"

"cause that’s the truth." he looked down.

"woah felix. let me stop you right there. i think you got it all wrong. hyunjin really likes to be around you, to say the least." he paused, making felix lift his head again, searching for his eyes questioningly. "and how would you know that?"

"well you know, by talking to him… you know, the thing you should do." he teased once he felt that felix was able to take it.

he smiled before continuing, "i don’t know. pretty sure the guy hates me now. i have been ghosting him for more than a week now." jisung frowned again.

"okay, but why would you do that? didn’t you guys have a thing? did you fight after the blow-" he shut up again.

"how do you know about that?" felix said, nearly screaming while jisung was putting his hands on his mouth.

"i’m sorry. it’s hyunjin, he told me about it. because you were barely responding to his texts. so he told me like everything that happened. dude was scared he had fucked up there."

"he did not." felix whispered, loud enough to make jisung laugh. "then what went wrong? it’s not your type to flee, especially not with a one night stand, or a fuck buddy." felix’s heart tightens just hearing that. "is that what we are to him? is that what he told you?" he turned to jisung, as if he was the one holding all the answers.

"wasn’t that what you wanted you two to be?"

"well, at first i thought. but then… i don’t know man." he laughed, but it was half-hearted. "i think i wanted to have sex with him-"

"okay, water’s wet but i’m waiting for you to have your big revelation." felix rolled his eyes while jisung was listening to him closely. "but then, i don’t know? we talked more by texts, and he was actually fun to be around and interesting to talk to."

"yeah, who would have guessed?" and felix hit jisung playfully. "so why are you ghosting him?"

"i… i got scared? kind of? i know this is ridiculous but i just don’t know how to do that… thing?"

"what? having a relationship? communicating? love?"

"pretty much all of them." he stated after a while.

"well, you know that if you communicated with him, it would actually be better?"

"i don’t think i’m ready to face him? i probably hurt him?"

"of course you did. but don’t you want to make this better? to actually fix yourself? and to stop sabotaging yourself, for once? plus, you got to understand that it isn’t your place to decide for others how they should feel about you."

felix gasped, lips parting. "okay, but i didn’t deserve you coming for me like that."

"definitely deserved it." jisung laughed. "anyways, you should respond to his text. or try to do something before i actually get in charge and put you two face-to-face." and felix must have looked scared since jisung added, smiling, "remember when you said you were the confident gay between you two? i’m starting to think it was bullshit." he stoop up to leave his room, and felix leaned on his bed, with more questions that he had to begin with.

"also, i was thinking of throwing a little party with all the group on saturday. so you better fix that before they come, don’t you think?" felix sat up again, freaking out when he understood that saturday was two days away from now, but jisung was already gone so there was no point in him yelling, he would just grumble alone. even though, deep down, he was grateful to have a friend as patient and caring as jisung.

x

it was now two in the morning, and felix couldn’t sleep still. he kept on thinking about the conversation he had with his roommate and the more he replayed it, the less it made sense. he felt like he needed to walk, so he quickly dressed up and took his keys before leaving the apartment. once he was out, he tried to make it make sense.

how could hyunjin like him in the slightest? ‘you got to understand that it isn’t your place to decide for others how they should feel about you,’ he knew jisung was right. but _still_. it was so difficult for him to think that someone like hyunjin would actually like someone like him. he took his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it and went to see his texts messages.

**to chan, 10:34 p.m**

gosh, you actually disgust me

**from changbin, 10:32 p.m**

chan bought me flowers!! look at them!

[attached picture]

**from jisung, 02:47 p.m**

turn the volume down sad boi

**to jeongin, 11:39 a.m, two days ago**

i actually saw that meme already haha!

and there he was, not long after.

**from hyunjin**

but you’re just gonna ignore me?

he gulped before clicking on the message, making the rest of the conversion appear. gosh, he felt like he was about to pass an exam the next minute.

**felix,5:12 p.m, a week ago,**

don’t worry about me

i’m fine

sorry

_why was he so dramatic? ugh, he hated himself even more._

**hyunjin, 5:12 p.m, a week ago**

of course i worry about you

stop saying you’re fine when you’re not

can’t we just talk it out?

i don’t want to give up on you

you talked about other times

what about them?

**hyunjin, 11:01 a.m, 5 days ago**

look, i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable by bringing that up

that’s not what i wanted

**hyunjin, 02:12 a.m, 3 days ago**

do you really want me to let go of you?

**hyunjin, 04:31 a.m, 2 days ago**

i’m soshrry i’m annyufing

i jushzt haha a goodn feelinf on that onne

**hyunjin, 03:15 p.m, 2 days ago**

okay, don’t mind these texts, i was drunk, obviously

anyways, i get that you don’t want to talk to me anymore. so i’m not sending anything else

i’m sorry

**hyunjin, 04:28 p.m, 2 days ago**

okay i know i’m annoying as hell

but idc cause rn i’m mad?

i get that you have your own fears, but so do i

but you’re just gonna ignore me?

felix’s heart clenched. oh, how he wished he could disappear right now. he felt like shit. hyunjin didn’t deserve that, and he understood where he was coming from, of course he did. that feeling of running after someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you, a feeling that felix had grown too close to. and yet, here he was, making someone else go through it. he was so close to throwing his phone in his pocket again and never answer it ever again, but he reminded himself what jisung had told him. and so instead, he started to type, just when the rain started to fall, each drop probably representing his fidgeting fingers on the keyboard.

**felix**

hey

i know i’m probably the least person you want to hear of right now

and i’m so sorry i made it that way

you didn’t do anything wrong

sincerely

and i’m so sorry i made you feel like you did

i don’t expect you to forgive me

but i just thought you should know?

i’m not making any sense rn

im sorry

relationships are complicated for me

**hyunjin**

no shit, sherlock

**felix**

and i’m sorry i projected it onto you

wait whAT

you’re awake??

fuck fuck fuck|

fuck fuc|

f|

**hyunjin**

well, obviously?

**felix**

i’m sorry

**hyunjin**

i can read, yk

**felix**

yeah but i truly am sorry

gosh im the worst

**hyunjin**

and i can truly read

yeah u kinda are

_ouch._

so you were saying?

**felix**

huh?

**hyunjin**

idk u wanted to tell me something

go on now

**felix is typing…**

well, i’m sorry

**hyunjin**

if you say sorry once more, i’m blocking u

**felix**

well, i’m s|

w|

i just suck at this hhh

**hyunjin**

yup

**felix**

did i wake u up?

**hyunjin**

not everything’s about you

_ouch._

**felix**

yeah, of course

hum, anyways

what i wanted to say was that i was s-word

and that you meant more to me than what i showed

and that i know im a dickhead

and that i should’ve have ghosted you

i was just too scared to actually be honest with my feelings? and yours?

idk

it’s complicated

**hyunjin**

well, it wouldn’t have been if you talked it out when i gave you a chance

LOW BATTERY: 5% BATTERY REMAINING

**felix**

i know

i was a dick

listen i don’t have much time bc i’m out and my phone is dying on me rn

and idk when i’ll be back on it

but don’t give up on me

i know i’m selfish and i’m asking you for a lot

but please don’t giv|

and just like that, his screen went black. he sighed, before looking up, feeling the raindrops intensify and pour on his cheeks. or maybe, just maybe, it was something else, something mixed with the rain, something felix was finally ready to confront. he felt so silly for crying, but he couldn’t help it, all his bottled up feelings for the past few weeks finally flowing away. and it felt good. _so_ good. once he cleared up his mind, and that the rain was pouring harder, he decided to run home.

x

and that was another stupid idea someone could have. going out in the night. running in the rain. no wonder why felix would die first if he was a character of a horror film. felix was no superhuman, and no one could save him from the cold he put on himself. therefore, after sleeping for what felt like a year, he decided to stay in his bed, but this time with a good reason. he just spent the rest of the day watching movies on his laptop, not even remembering to charge his phone again. or maybe, just maybe, once he reminded himself what his last sent messages were, he decided it was for the better to let his phone alone for a bit. _yeah, absolutely, as if avoiding your phones (and your problems) weren’t the thing that put you in that situation in the first place._

but when he finally took his phone, no sms notifications came in. at first, he thought it was normal, that it lagged for a bit and that it would appear later. but when the night came again, when he was done watching movies, when he felt _alone_ , he decided to take a look at his phone again and went on his latest texts, just to clearly see it.

**from felix, 02:59**

i know i’m selfish, and i’m asking you for a lot

he didn’t have the time to send his last message. and hyunjin didn’t responded. _worse_. he just read it. and fuck, felix never felt more mortified by a four-lettered word in his entire life. _what did it mean_? was hyunjin going to ghost him like he did for the last few weeks? _well, that would be deserved_. he groaned. he definitely had fucked up this one, hadn’t he? and now, he was just looking like a complete fool, having a cold and being forced to stay in bed. a fool who would probably have to face the boy he avoided, then apologised to and now, been ghosted by tomorrow because of his just as stupid as him roommate. in the end, maybe his cold wasn’t such a bad thing. maybe, he would just avoid everyone, and it would be for the better, especially after being so vulnerable and not getting any responses. _yeah_ , he resonated. _it was better to stay alone_.

x

so, could someone explain to him why was hyunjin in his bedroom right now? when he made clear he wanted to stay alone.

basically, what happened earlier this day was that felix was still feeling bad, but his health got slightly better. at least, he wasn’t coughing anymore and just had a mild fever. when he came out of his room to eat something, he was reminded by jisung that it was tonight that the boys were coming, along with more questions concerning hyunjin. "you know he’s coming right?", "did you talk to him?", "are you really going to stay in your room?", "felix, i swear-" and he didn’t stay to hear the rest of it; he was already hating himself enough, he didn’t need jisung to remind him everything he had ever done wrong.

but as soon as he got comfortable in his bed, he heard jisung shout again, "if i have to make you two talk, i will, i don’t care!"

and well, felix knew jisung, and he should have known that he has no knowledge of not crossing boundaries. resulting in him pushing hyunjin in his room the same night, and locking them together.

"what the fuck jisung?" hyunjin said before being pushed into a room he had no idea who’s it was.

minho’s laughter could be heard on the other side of the door. "i’ll let you two talk! you need it and i’m done with your shit." jisung said. hyunjin tried to open the door, to no results. he was visibly here to stay. he turned around and saw felix, huddled in his bed, eyes wide open, as if he couldn’t believe what was happening right now. and truth be told, he didn’t want to believe what was happening. hyunjin never saw him like. he never even dared to imagine the confident man acting like a scared child. yet, deep inside, he didn’t know how to act. he felt bad he was the one who was making him behave like that right now. but still, he couldn’t erase how hurt he had been when felix started to ignore him overnight. he looked at felix a bit longer, holding eye contact.

_oh, how he wished he could read him._

well, to read, he had. left him on read most precisely. but how could he not? he swore he tried to be patient with him at first, but after getting no responses and making himself look like a fool, he decided he had enough. it wasn’t his job to make a move again. he had done enough. and no matter how he wanted to help felix, he couldn’t be the one to take all the burden of felix’s confused emotions. he had his own too. to be real, felix was all he could think about lately. he didn’t know how, yet he’ve been bewitched by the small boy, that used to appear so tall during their last encounter. he sighed. he could hear his friends on the other side of that damn door, chatting and acting like they weren’t even there.

felix, on his end, was scared as hell. he knew jisung was stubborn, but to take such measures?

he wasn’t scared, he was terrified. the personification of all his worries was standing right before him, and from the look he was giving him, it didn’t seem like they were pleased to see him either. should he try to say something? he looked down at himself, and the disappointment grew when he remembered he was wearing sweatpants, and the way he was sat. maybe, hyunjin thought he was just weird, and that’s why he was looking at him like that right now. he slowly changed his position, the silence killing him. why did he feel so uncomfortable? he had to say something, quickly.

"so…"

"i showered."

they looked at each other, surprised. of course, they would talk together at the same time. and what the fuck did felix just say?

hyunjin laughed, "wait, what?"

felix blushed, and oh my, it was sight to behold. "i said i showered… it’s just that it doesn’t look i did, but still i did. just for your information…"

hyunjin raised his brows with an amused smile. _oh, so he was feeling awkward_. it kept on getting better, he thought.

"it’s okay, i don’t really care you know." he said, walking towards felix office’s chair to sit down. he continued, "i guess now that i’m here we should talk about what happened?" felix looked at him carefully, before nodding like a child. how could someone be so adorable? he was trying to be serious here, but seeing felix like that, so domestic, it warmed his heart, no matter what the situation between there were at the moment.

"i’m sorry." hyunjin rolled his eyes with a smile. "yeah, i know… you’ve told me approximatively a hundred times." and felix pouted.

"but i really am sorry! i was a dick to you, and you don’t deserve that… i just wish i could deal with my emotions but i can’t even do that correctly." he paused when he felt his eyes become more watery. hell no. he wasn’t going to cry in front of hyunjin. but then, when he looked back at him, seeing the concern in hyunjin’s eyes more than accusation, he sensed it would be more complicated than he planned to.

"and i’m sorry i put that on you. it wasn’t your problems to deal with and i’m so sorry i’ve been so selfish. and i’m sorry that despite that, i still am…"

"how so?" he said calmly, and felix froze. well, there was no running back from this.

"you deserve better than me. and i keep on being selfish because, even now, i still want you. it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way and that i’ve missed my chance with how much of a dick i was. you deserve to be treated nicely and i failed to do th-"

"okay but who told you that you didn’t deserve me?" he said, crossing his arms on his chest.

"i… i just know it." and felix’s voice cracked against his will. he immediately looked down, not able to bear hyunjin’s gaze on him.

he sighed before starting, "okay i’m going to be honest about what i’ve been thinking for the last few weeks. and please, don’t cut me. when i met you, i… i don’t know? i think we hit it off immediately? even though, it was only physical to begin with? that’s how i saw it at least? i didn’t expect to actually get to know you deeper," he paused, searching for the right words, "but i’m glad i did. even though it was only through texts, i feel like we had a direct connection? i don’t know, it had been a while since i’ve felt that with someone. then, well, there was chan’s party. and it was great, and i want you to know that i don’t regret a thing."

"me too." he still interrupted, muttering a soft ‘sorry’ before hyunjin continued. "then why act like that? you just ghosted me, out of nowhere and i didn’t even know why? and i was so mad at you… i truly thought we had something? sure, it wasn’t love, but if we gave it time, it could have been…"

felix’s heart clenched. _could have been_. he had fucked it up real good, didn’t he? hyunjin must have noticed it, since he suddenly talked again, his heart beating loudly in his chest, "it could still be…" felix was bound to break his neck if he kept on looked up and down at every word hyunjin pronounced. he opened his mouth but nothing was about to come out, so hyunjin carried on, "you obviously have a lot to deal with, and so do i, but it doesn’t mean it won’t work if we communicate. you know, that thing you didn’t do the first time that led you to assume i was better than you or whatever bullshit you said?"

felix hid his face in his hands, and after a while he asked, "can i talk now?" hyunjin laughed, "fuck yeah, i’ve been waiting for it."

"first off, i’m really thankful. for you, your words and your thoughts. like you really tried to understand what i was going through, even though i wasn’t telling shit, even when i, myself, didn’t know what was going on in my brain, and im sorry about that agai- okay, i’ll stop! gosh, stop looking at me like that." he screamed when hyunjin gave him a murderous stare. "i’ve felt the same thing for you too. i’m glad we met. i truly am. i didn’t expect it to turn that way, but now that we’re actually talking about it, i feel… reassured? of course i have stuff to work on, and i’m so-," he paused with puppy eyes when hyunjin seemed to want to kill him again. "anyways, i shouldn’t have take it out on you. i’ll do better. because, i want this," his fingers pointing at themselves, "to work. truth is i didn’t want you to let go of me. and i don’t think i could let go of you either…"

hyunjin sighed, "guess i’m stuck with you." and felix smiled, "yeah, guess you are."

they stayed silent for a second, looking at each other, the atmosphere finally relaxed and lighthearted.

the taller boy stood up, getting closer "so now, may i kiss you again? i’ve been dying to do it for a whi-" he couldn’t even finish his sentence that felix’s lips met hyunjin’s in a sweet kiss, lips eager to recognise and memorise the other for a long time. they stayed in the same position for a few minutes, until he couldn’t take no more and stood back.

"are you planning on staying in that bed for the rest of your life? move, make some place for me pillow princess." hyunjin said teasingly, felix’s arms circling his legs.

"the fuck you just called me?" and hyunjin leaned above him again, his lips now being a few inches a way. « pil-low prin-cess." he articulated, a smile not leaving his face and that was enough for felix to push hyunjin on the bed next to him, quickly putting himself on top of him. he then bent over, close enough to his ears so that just a whisper would be enough, "yeah, sure. let me show you who’s the real pillow princess here." hyunjin chuckles were soon replaced by whines once felix’s lips found their way to his neck.

hyunjin’s opened legs beneath him was one of the prettiest things he had ever witnessed and this time, he wouldn’t miss the chance to show him appreciation.

x

"so, you’re telling me that i told you two to communicate only to find out you had sex with one another?" jisung shouted, too early the next morning, making felix groan, "shush! hyunjin is still asleep so stop screaming, gosh, what are you? a 14 year-old girl or what?"

his roommate laughed, "well, if i am, you surely are a 14 year-old boy, acting like you discovered sex yesterday."

"and since when are you the virgin mary? pretty sure i heard you moan two days ago."

"hey, what are you talking about?" they both turned back at the same time to see a sleepy hyunjin. « i heard someone screaming and got scared. is anything wrong?" he slowly said, visibly tired from last night before walking towards felix only to drop his head on his shoulder and looking at jisung. oh, how felix was looking at jisung right now. "i told you to be quieter." jisung laughed again. « my bad. i’ll leave you two, i got things to do… in my room."

"you could just say minho, it’d be quicker." felix said and hyunjin rose his head in surprise when he realised he said what he was thinking of. he smiled tenderly before back-hugging felix.

"let’s go back to bed too." hyunjin said before kissing his temple. and felix gladly followed him. honestly, he was pretty sure he would follow him anywhere.

x

here he was again. at a stupid new year’s eve party. doing the same mistake he did last year: losing felix 5 minutes before the countdown. he already asked their friends, but no one saw him. how was he going to find him with all these persons? the party was even bigger than last year’s. somehow hyunjin figured it would probably be like this each year. them coming together and staying together all night long, except when they truly need to be together. hyunjin pouted. he wanted his new year’s kiss and he wanted it with felix. if he missed it just like he did before, he would hate himself and wouldn’t forgive felix, making sure to remind him his mistake throughout the next year.

during the past year, felix and hyunjin got together. it was in february that felix finally decided to ask him out, the whole not being able to take anymore of their public display of affection without them being actual boyfriends. and truth be told, it was one of the best choice felix ever made. he had not been that happy in a while, and everyone around him could notice how good hyunjin was to him.

however, the boy kept on searching for his boyfriend, but he couldn’t seem to find him. _was this motherfucker playing hide and seek or what?_

still, the moment he feared the most came to realisation: people started the countdown.

’10, 9, 8…’ he looked around and finally saw those eyes where love bloomed a few months ago.

‘7, 6, 5…’ he ran to him

‘4, 3, 2…’ "heard you’ve been looking for me?" felix smirked. "shut up" hyunjin said before kissing him passionately.

‘1! happy new year!’ the crowd shouted while their tongues were intertwined with one another. they took a break, looked at each other’s eyes deeply and both whispering the same sentence to each other, stars in their eyes and foolish smiles on their lips.

last year, felix didn’t really believe in this new year new me kind of thinking, even though he knew damn well nothing ever changes and if it ever did, it was rarely for the better. he still went through his classes with the same exhaustion; he still lived in the same place with jisung, and he did meet new people but this time, maybe they won’t just leave.

so yeah sure, things were changing. but it didn’t necessarily mean that it was for the worse. and felix finally understood that thanks to hyunjin.

yeah… now that hyunjin was by his side, he was sure that things would only go for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to drop kudos and comments, they always make my day!  
> hope you enjoyed it :3  
> twt: vmneskz


End file.
